No-one ever tells us we need to grieve the loss of kindergarten or pre- or play- schools when we “graduate”. I do not believe grief plays much of a part in graduating from high school or college, either.
And yet we will never experience these integrative and major years of our lives again. Does that not constitute loss? Does that not cry out for grieving?
Marriage can be a joyous transformation, yet does anyone ever give us permission to grieve our loss at no longer being single? Even when we so wanted not to be single any longer? No longer being single is a loss, and it needs to be acknowledged and honored.
Then, sometimes, after joyous marriage, comes divorce. Grieving—and raging—through the divorce is usually accomplished, but grieving the marriage itself, the loss of all the past positive times and memories, frequently gets smothered in the vitriol of the break-up, as all the present - day negative thoughts and remembrances take priority.
Moving, whether across the street or a continent away, evokes loss. Hovel to dream home spells success, but also nostalgia. Losing—not misplacing—keys or wallets creates frustration, but we do not usually grieve over this loss, and it would help if we did.
Theft, job loss, injury, illness and aging all incur loss, but do we mourn our youth—or even the younger self that looked at us in the mirror yesterday? Every day we are a day older, but do we mark the past days as lost to us forever? If we did, we just might welcome the todays and tomorrows as being more precious. Injury and illness can mean great or not so great loss of mobility and good spirits. Do we honor these losses by mourning them? If we did, we might clear a path for optimum healing.
Theft is a blow to ego and our sense of security—job loss blows our ego to smithereens and torches our sense of security. Yet most of us respond to these events with anger in order to cover up our grief and fear, as we “Let Go And Move On.”
Wait a minute!
Letting Go And Moving On is not doing the hard and painful and even terrifying work of grieving. LGAMO is a shortcut that cheats us. Stepping up to the plate in order to allow ourselves to be immersed in the pain of loss is how we grow and grow up.
Death, of a beloved, or our own imminent death, surely stands forth as the greatest loss, the loss of precious life itself.
And, if we have not yet dealt with life’s smaller yet still shattering losses how might we fully grieve death? What do we authentically know about loss and grief that prepares us to mourn to the fullest?
And yet, and yet and yet—every single one of us experiences our first loss, abandonment, rejection at birth! When our own moms push us out of that seemingly lovely, serene, peaceful, secure bucket of warm water we have been floating around in, fully nourished without our having to lift one of our tiny fingers, into bright lights, meaningless voices, dry air, unwanted—because it is unknown—touch!
Amazing any of us survives our call in to our--at that moment helpless-- place in our new world.
However, every loss and rejection we suffer from our birth abandonment forward, resides in the reservoir of our unconscious, whose very existence comprises waiting around for triggers!
Triggers comprise any and all painful incidences and / or reminders of rejection and abandonment, and / or loss. Because these triggers from present losses delve so deeply in to the unconscious morass of pure pain from the past, any of us who experience a loss, bounce for only a way too painful nanosecond in to and quickly out of our overwhelmingly painful past emotional memories.
Grieve? Mourn? Feel the loss? Not! I am far too busy LGAMO!
Guess what? The pain accompanying each and every loss, great and small, is bearable when we realize and honor that this pain from this loss is authentically about every little and major loss my life has encompassed and prevailed over.
I can and will bear the unbearable. I can and will grieve and mourn each loss, even until death with respect and honor.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
PATTERNS--TOOLS FOR HEALING AND TRANSFORMATION
Clients ask me for tools to guide them in their journeys, make essential personal changes, build confidence and self-worth, enhance relationships and release their inner most creative and positive and powerful selves.
Not such a tall order.
The “solutions”* lie in our pasts. No, I do not advocate “Woody Allen” therapy—5 days a week for 55 years.
I do advocate delving in to our earlier life experiences in order to recognize the patterns which pervaded then, which have continued to pervade over the years, and which now will be used as tools for growth.
Patterns emerge from our observing how our parents interacted with each other, and from experiencing how each of them interacted with us. And just think about all the complexities arising for individuals with backgrounds of divorce, re-marriage, step-parents, unknown parents, adoptive parents, more than one step-parent and so many more variations of patterning / patterns.
If you are that complex person or are involved with him / her, listen up! If you manifest a simple nuclear family and / or also manifest simplicity in family connections, you, also, please listen up and read on!
Siblings create patterns, as do half and step siblings and
no siblings. Neighbors--both adults and children contribute to early patterns, as do teachers and classmates and clergy and other folk at church when that applies. Extended families make patterns, both those which meet the fairly unrealistic expectations of one marriage with children and grandparents and aunts and uncles, and those extended families in other circumstances, which meet different expectations of many folk playing multiple roles on multiple occasions. Extended families pattern our early lives into kaleidoscopic complexities!
And those early years only begin our life patterning.
Our lives’ original patterns tend to re-create themselves with variations on the original themes as we enter school and forever after, unless and until we create our own transformation. Are we the klutz in our family? Or perhaps the hero or star? The always relied-upon one? The loser? The brain?
While it pains me even to write some of these personae families imbue their members with and which we carry on from day 1 into our lives, recognizing and acknowledging these roles / labels and their associated feelings liberates us to recognize and acknowledge the familiar—same yet different—patterns we, as adults, continue to perpetuate.
Recognizing self-defeating patterns and their repeated negative outcomes in our lives allows us to make healthy changes for positive outcomes. Yes, the changes may be painful and even frightening, but the patterning technique can readily be as rapid as “solution” or cognitive therapy, yet on a far more profound level.
Not such a tall order.
The “solutions”* lie in our pasts. No, I do not advocate “Woody Allen” therapy—5 days a week for 55 years.
I do advocate delving in to our earlier life experiences in order to recognize the patterns which pervaded then, which have continued to pervade over the years, and which now will be used as tools for growth.
Patterns emerge from our observing how our parents interacted with each other, and from experiencing how each of them interacted with us. And just think about all the complexities arising for individuals with backgrounds of divorce, re-marriage, step-parents, unknown parents, adoptive parents, more than one step-parent and so many more variations of patterning / patterns.
If you are that complex person or are involved with him / her, listen up! If you manifest a simple nuclear family and / or also manifest simplicity in family connections, you, also, please listen up and read on!
Siblings create patterns, as do half and step siblings and
no siblings. Neighbors--both adults and children contribute to early patterns, as do teachers and classmates and clergy and other folk at church when that applies. Extended families make patterns, both those which meet the fairly unrealistic expectations of one marriage with children and grandparents and aunts and uncles, and those extended families in other circumstances, which meet different expectations of many folk playing multiple roles on multiple occasions. Extended families pattern our early lives into kaleidoscopic complexities!
And those early years only begin our life patterning.
Our lives’ original patterns tend to re-create themselves with variations on the original themes as we enter school and forever after, unless and until we create our own transformation. Are we the klutz in our family? Or perhaps the hero or star? The always relied-upon one? The loser? The brain?
While it pains me even to write some of these personae families imbue their members with and which we carry on from day 1 into our lives, recognizing and acknowledging these roles / labels and their associated feelings liberates us to recognize and acknowledge the familiar—same yet different—patterns we, as adults, continue to perpetuate.
Recognizing self-defeating patterns and their repeated negative outcomes in our lives allows us to make healthy changes for positive outcomes. Yes, the changes may be painful and even frightening, but the patterning technique can readily be as rapid as “solution” or cognitive therapy, yet on a far more profound level.
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