UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIOS KILL

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS KILL

We expect, when we wake up in the morning, that the floor will be awaiting our feet, that the shower will be where we always shower, that the aroma of coffee—if we are blessed with a programmable pot we know how to program, or a partner up and about before we are--will invite us to breakfast.
We expect the buildings we work or run errands at to continue to be there, we expect the weather to fluctuate--not necessarily according to meteorological predictions--the news to bring a typical blend of horror and lightheartedness, and the trees and grass and houses we pass in our comings and goings to remain basically as we expect them to be.
So far, so good. The above and thousands of other examples manifest healthy and realistic expectations that enable our lives to function without major drama.
So how do expectations kill?
By being un-realistic and un-healthy!
Unrealistic and unhealthy expectations can make navigating our lives vulnerable to lotsa’ major drama.
For example, expecting your basically sloppy adolescent to understand that a cleaner, neater room might improve his / her grades and please you in the process.
For example, expecting the partner you’ve known for some time as a basic homebody, to want to go out to shop, picnic, attend a film or social occasion willingly.
For example, expecting your procrastinating partner or child to leap up and immediately comply to your request to take out the garbage, feed the dog or empty the dishwasher.
For example, expecting your cranky and emotionally withdrawn supervisor to say, “You did an excellent job on that project yesterday!”
For example, expecting the twenty pounds you gained over the past three years to disappear and stay disappeared in three days of crash-dieting misery. Or that you, an inveterate nightowl will wake up singing like a lark, or add four inches to your five foot two inch height.
Think about it. Having the above and similar unrealistic expectations and fretting when they are unmet is about as realistic as fretting whether or not the floor will be under your feet when you get out of bed.
Unrealistic expectations of family, friends, work colleagues and one’s own self can create major unhappiness in our lives, including strife in relationships—which can be “killed”, and a high enough self-administered load of stress to actually lower our own immune system.
Our UR’s, by enabling us to indulge in chronic disappointment in those around us, allow us to feel superior and pick any number of fights—disagreements—which chronically tear at the warp and woof of a healthy relationship.
Conversely, our UR’s directed against ourselves—sometimes known as perfectionism and “being hard on ourselves”-- enable us to feel not quite up to the mark, and therefore, no matter how much we achieve, succeed and excel, we are sure we have not measured up.
UR’s can also give us ready excuses for our not quite ever getting around to endeavoring new experiences and / or completing countless projects.
Either way, we lay the foundation for feeling bad about ourselves, because on some level—perhaps in our deep unconscious--we know that our feelings of superiority over anyone else are pretty fragile.
Then why would we continue to maintain unrealistic expectations and their chronic disappointments?
How can such self-defeating behavior possibly serve us?
UR’s do not serve our mature, adult, rational selves. But please imagine an immature, childish, irrational self still “residing” in your unconscious who remembers every hurt and emotional wound throughout your entire life, and sometimes needs to protect him / herself and you from a potential hurt or threat.
Unrealistic expectations, like denial, control, depression*, anxiety* and anger are defenses against our deeper and more genuine feelings.
Indeed, unrealistic expectations are defense mechanisms that must have worked once to protect us from feelings we were unable to tolerate. Now that we have matured enough to bear the unbearable, those defenses that served us well in infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, adolescence and young adulthood have become perverted to work against us.
I believe that each and every one of us, in our earliest and later years, experiences hurt and disappointment and abandonment and rejection and shame and humiliation and fear and a slough of other negative or yucky feelings. Early on, we are actually unable to tolerate the intolerable or bear the unbearable, or simply experience many many hurtful negatives in our lives. So thank goodness, our defenses come forth.
Yet in adulthood, we often do have the resources to tolerate the intolerable and bear the unbearable, and that is the time to let go of our UR’s.

JUST A FEW THINGS ANGER COVERS UP

JUST A FEW THINGS ANGER COVERS UP


ANGER IS A SECONDARY EMOTION
ANGER IS A COVER-UP EMOTION
ANGER IS NOT AN EMOTION AT ALL
ANGER IS A DEFENSE MECHANISM
ANGER PROTECTED US FROM PAINFUL EMOTIONS WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER
ANGER ALLOWED SOME OF US TO BEAR THE UNBEARABLE AND SURVIVE
ANGER ALLOWED THE REST OF US TO COPE WITH GENUINELY PAINFUL FEELINGS
ANGER STILL PROTECTS US FROM PAINFUL FEELINGS
ANGER PROTECTS US FROM:
GRIEF
LOSS
SADNESS
HUMILIATION
SHAME
EMBARRASSMENT
HURT
PAIN
FEAR
ABANDONMENT
REJECTION
HELPLESSNESS
HOPELESSNESS
OVERWHELMEDNESS
LACK OF CONFIDENCE
FEELINGS OF INCOMPETENCE
FEELINGS OF LOW SELF-WORTH
ENVY
JEALOUSY

JUST A FEW THINGS ANGER COVERS UP