THE SUCCESS OF FAILURE
The cliché about learning from all experience, including failure, is a cliché only because it is so true.
In order to learn from failure, I believe we need first to decide whether or not what we might be experiencing as failure is perceived as failure by anyone else / the rest of the world. Or is our experience of failure completely subjective?
In other words, how ultimately responsible have we been for what we choose to view as our failute?
Is it not possible that what has occurred around our perceived or even genuine failure is nothing more than what could and / or would have happened, considering all surrounding circumstances? With or without our input?
Those of us whose major defense is control—much the same as those of us whos major defense is anger or depression / anxiey, or victimness / doormatness—likely experience many occurrences or events in our lives as failures.
I think this is because we do not, in our own selves, allow any slack for lack of perfection—we are “hard on ourselves”!
I also am sure, that self-absorbed as we might be in our own sense of personal imperfection, we do not realistically see that whatever situation / person(s) we experience ourselves embroiled in and failing at, is simply not working! And not likely to work, no matter how long we remain embroiled.
Ergo, our only failure is in not recognizing that the situation / person(s) is not only beyond our control but that we likely need to remove ourselves from it.
How terrifying and how painful to let go of our need to control—or be angry at or depressed / anxious about. And how liberating.
And, our subjectively experienced failure is the quintessential opportunity to “go inside and look around” at our deeper and more inner selves and ask some cogent questions:
1) Can I accept my own personal limitations?
2) Can I accept situational limitations?
3) Can I accept defeat graciously?
4) What does losing / defeat really mean to me?
5) Am I able to relinquish responsibility in happenstances that are not, actually, my responsibility at all?
6) Am I able to disengage my self from my attitudes and values about success and failure?
7) How can I learn to detach and disengage from making everything all about me?
I encourage each of us to ponder and address these questions as they apply to our lives.
And then, what about the times we genuinely do muck up and muck up royally?
We “simply” own our responsibility. We man up and own it.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIOS KILL
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS KILL
We expect, when we wake up in the morning, that the floor will be awaiting our feet, that the shower will be where we always shower, that the aroma of coffee—if we are blessed with a programmable pot we know how to program, or a partner up and about before we are--will invite us to breakfast.
We expect the buildings we work or run errands at to continue to be there, we expect the weather to fluctuate--not necessarily according to meteorological predictions--the news to bring a typical blend of horror and lightheartedness, and the trees and grass and houses we pass in our comings and goings to remain basically as we expect them to be.
So far, so good. The above and thousands of other examples manifest healthy and realistic expectations that enable our lives to function without major drama.
So how do expectations kill?
By being un-realistic and un-healthy!
Unrealistic and unhealthy expectations can make navigating our lives vulnerable to lotsa’ major drama.
For example, expecting your basically sloppy adolescent to understand that a cleaner, neater room might improve his / her grades and please you in the process.
For example, expecting the partner you’ve known for some time as a basic homebody, to want to go out to shop, picnic, attend a film or social occasion willingly.
For example, expecting your procrastinating partner or child to leap up and immediately comply to your request to take out the garbage, feed the dog or empty the dishwasher.
For example, expecting your cranky and emotionally withdrawn supervisor to say, “You did an excellent job on that project yesterday!”
For example, expecting the twenty pounds you gained over the past three years to disappear and stay disappeared in three days of crash-dieting misery. Or that you, an inveterate nightowl will wake up singing like a lark, or add four inches to your five foot two inch height.
Think about it. Having the above and similar unrealistic expectations and fretting when they are unmet is about as realistic as fretting whether or not the floor will be under your feet when you get out of bed.
Unrealistic expectations of family, friends, work colleagues and one’s own self can create major unhappiness in our lives, including strife in relationships—which can be “killed”, and a high enough self-administered load of stress to actually lower our own immune system.
Our UR’s, by enabling us to indulge in chronic disappointment in those around us, allow us to feel superior and pick any number of fights—disagreements—which chronically tear at the warp and woof of a healthy relationship.
Conversely, our UR’s directed against ourselves—sometimes known as perfectionism and “being hard on ourselves”-- enable us to feel not quite up to the mark, and therefore, no matter how much we achieve, succeed and excel, we are sure we have not measured up.
UR’s can also give us ready excuses for our not quite ever getting around to endeavoring new experiences and / or completing countless projects.
Either way, we lay the foundation for feeling bad about ourselves, because on some level—perhaps in our deep unconscious--we know that our feelings of superiority over anyone else are pretty fragile.
Then why would we continue to maintain unrealistic expectations and their chronic disappointments?
How can such self-defeating behavior possibly serve us?
UR’s do not serve our mature, adult, rational selves. But please imagine an immature, childish, irrational self still “residing” in your unconscious who remembers every hurt and emotional wound throughout your entire life, and sometimes needs to protect him / herself and you from a potential hurt or threat.
Unrealistic expectations, like denial, control, depression*, anxiety* and anger are defenses against our deeper and more genuine feelings.
Indeed, unrealistic expectations are defense mechanisms that must have worked once to protect us from feelings we were unable to tolerate. Now that we have matured enough to bear the unbearable, those defenses that served us well in infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, adolescence and young adulthood have become perverted to work against us.
I believe that each and every one of us, in our earliest and later years, experiences hurt and disappointment and abandonment and rejection and shame and humiliation and fear and a slough of other negative or yucky feelings. Early on, we are actually unable to tolerate the intolerable or bear the unbearable, or simply experience many many hurtful negatives in our lives. So thank goodness, our defenses come forth.
Yet in adulthood, we often do have the resources to tolerate the intolerable and bear the unbearable, and that is the time to let go of our UR’s.
We expect, when we wake up in the morning, that the floor will be awaiting our feet, that the shower will be where we always shower, that the aroma of coffee—if we are blessed with a programmable pot we know how to program, or a partner up and about before we are--will invite us to breakfast.
We expect the buildings we work or run errands at to continue to be there, we expect the weather to fluctuate--not necessarily according to meteorological predictions--the news to bring a typical blend of horror and lightheartedness, and the trees and grass and houses we pass in our comings and goings to remain basically as we expect them to be.
So far, so good. The above and thousands of other examples manifest healthy and realistic expectations that enable our lives to function without major drama.
So how do expectations kill?
By being un-realistic and un-healthy!
Unrealistic and unhealthy expectations can make navigating our lives vulnerable to lotsa’ major drama.
For example, expecting your basically sloppy adolescent to understand that a cleaner, neater room might improve his / her grades and please you in the process.
For example, expecting the partner you’ve known for some time as a basic homebody, to want to go out to shop, picnic, attend a film or social occasion willingly.
For example, expecting your procrastinating partner or child to leap up and immediately comply to your request to take out the garbage, feed the dog or empty the dishwasher.
For example, expecting your cranky and emotionally withdrawn supervisor to say, “You did an excellent job on that project yesterday!”
For example, expecting the twenty pounds you gained over the past three years to disappear and stay disappeared in three days of crash-dieting misery. Or that you, an inveterate nightowl will wake up singing like a lark, or add four inches to your five foot two inch height.
Think about it. Having the above and similar unrealistic expectations and fretting when they are unmet is about as realistic as fretting whether or not the floor will be under your feet when you get out of bed.
Unrealistic expectations of family, friends, work colleagues and one’s own self can create major unhappiness in our lives, including strife in relationships—which can be “killed”, and a high enough self-administered load of stress to actually lower our own immune system.
Our UR’s, by enabling us to indulge in chronic disappointment in those around us, allow us to feel superior and pick any number of fights—disagreements—which chronically tear at the warp and woof of a healthy relationship.
Conversely, our UR’s directed against ourselves—sometimes known as perfectionism and “being hard on ourselves”-- enable us to feel not quite up to the mark, and therefore, no matter how much we achieve, succeed and excel, we are sure we have not measured up.
UR’s can also give us ready excuses for our not quite ever getting around to endeavoring new experiences and / or completing countless projects.
Either way, we lay the foundation for feeling bad about ourselves, because on some level—perhaps in our deep unconscious--we know that our feelings of superiority over anyone else are pretty fragile.
Then why would we continue to maintain unrealistic expectations and their chronic disappointments?
How can such self-defeating behavior possibly serve us?
UR’s do not serve our mature, adult, rational selves. But please imagine an immature, childish, irrational self still “residing” in your unconscious who remembers every hurt and emotional wound throughout your entire life, and sometimes needs to protect him / herself and you from a potential hurt or threat.
Unrealistic expectations, like denial, control, depression*, anxiety* and anger are defenses against our deeper and more genuine feelings.
Indeed, unrealistic expectations are defense mechanisms that must have worked once to protect us from feelings we were unable to tolerate. Now that we have matured enough to bear the unbearable, those defenses that served us well in infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, adolescence and young adulthood have become perverted to work against us.
I believe that each and every one of us, in our earliest and later years, experiences hurt and disappointment and abandonment and rejection and shame and humiliation and fear and a slough of other negative or yucky feelings. Early on, we are actually unable to tolerate the intolerable or bear the unbearable, or simply experience many many hurtful negatives in our lives. So thank goodness, our defenses come forth.
Yet in adulthood, we often do have the resources to tolerate the intolerable and bear the unbearable, and that is the time to let go of our UR’s.
JUST A FEW THINGS ANGER COVERS UP
JUST A FEW THINGS ANGER COVERS UP
ANGER IS A SECONDARY EMOTION
ANGER IS A COVER-UP EMOTION
ANGER IS NOT AN EMOTION AT ALL
ANGER IS A DEFENSE MECHANISM
ANGER PROTECTED US FROM PAINFUL EMOTIONS WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER
ANGER ALLOWED SOME OF US TO BEAR THE UNBEARABLE AND SURVIVE
ANGER ALLOWED THE REST OF US TO COPE WITH GENUINELY PAINFUL FEELINGS
ANGER STILL PROTECTS US FROM PAINFUL FEELINGS
ANGER PROTECTS US FROM:
GRIEF
LOSS
SADNESS
HUMILIATION
SHAME
EMBARRASSMENT
HURT
PAIN
FEAR
ABANDONMENT
REJECTION
HELPLESSNESS
HOPELESSNESS
OVERWHELMEDNESS
LACK OF CONFIDENCE
FEELINGS OF INCOMPETENCE
FEELINGS OF LOW SELF-WORTH
ENVY
JEALOUSY
ANGER IS A SECONDARY EMOTION
ANGER IS A COVER-UP EMOTION
ANGER IS NOT AN EMOTION AT ALL
ANGER IS A DEFENSE MECHANISM
ANGER PROTECTED US FROM PAINFUL EMOTIONS WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER
ANGER ALLOWED SOME OF US TO BEAR THE UNBEARABLE AND SURVIVE
ANGER ALLOWED THE REST OF US TO COPE WITH GENUINELY PAINFUL FEELINGS
ANGER STILL PROTECTS US FROM PAINFUL FEELINGS
ANGER PROTECTS US FROM:
GRIEF
LOSS
SADNESS
HUMILIATION
SHAME
EMBARRASSMENT
HURT
PAIN
FEAR
ABANDONMENT
REJECTION
HELPLESSNESS
HOPELESSNESS
OVERWHELMEDNESS
LACK OF CONFIDENCE
FEELINGS OF INCOMPETENCE
FEELINGS OF LOW SELF-WORTH
ENVY
JEALOUSY
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