THE MATCH AND THE CONFLAGRATION / OR HOW TO DISCERN A TRIGGER FROM A DISASTER

“You only hurt the one you love…”
Makes no sense, and yet a genuine phenomenon it is in our lives. The words flown out of our mouths we would give anything not to have uttered, the disconnect of the phone when the other is speaking, the storming out and slamming the door in the other’s face, and—yes, it happens—the push, the shove, the slap we horrify ourselves with. How could we have let things go that far, how could we have done / said anything so terrible?
Let us step back for a moment to our feelings just before we spoke and / or acted. Likely, we were experiencing out-of-control feelings of rage, which were in reality covering up feelings of grief, fear, shame, humiliation, sorrow, loss, fear of loss, threat, rejection, abandonment, and so much more pain. Pain we have known before in our lives, unless we have been living under a rock.
Pain that happened to us long, long ago, before we were able to deal with it, defend ourselves, know that it was not about us at all, but about someone who was wounding us grievously. And perhaps more recent pain, because those of us who were wounded early on, tend to attract ourselves to people who will wound us again—yet that is the topic of another “musing”.
Time after event after occurrence after drama, again and again, we mistake the trigger, which might be symbolized as a “newly struck match”, with its small, sweet flame, for a conflagration. And rather than respond with a breath drawn in and quickly expelled to extinguish the match’s flame, we react, seeing not a tiny match flame, but rather envisioning an inferno descending upon us, and usually, we react badly, saying and doing the hurtful things we regret.
If only we could learn to discern the tiny flame for what it is, and realize that the conflagration is actually from so many painful experiences from our past.
When a trigger is pulled at work, or in traffic, or by a neighbor or casual acquaintance, we are so much more likely to experience that appropriate match flame, rather than a fireball headed our way, and “deal with” whatever actual hurt, fear or anxiety the trigger effected / produced. No, not always, otherwise desk rage and road rage would never have entered our vernacular. Usually, however, because we do not hold the same stakes with those more distant folk and experiences, our reality check resources are more firmly in place.
Yet when a loved one pulls a trigger, we frequently do not even see, feel or experience the tame match flame. Because we have great stakes in giving ourselves over to love—of spouse, lover, partner, child, friend—we are vulnerable, and everything we see, feel and experience is magnified. Ignited into threatening flames.
Because we invest such magnitude of resources upon those we love, we make ourselves vulnerable to them because we fear losing them.
All that fear, loss, abandonment, fear of rejection, shame and so on appear as a bonfire to us, and we are incited to stamp that fire out with an arsenal of hurtful words and actions.
Again and again.
Resistance to going back in time and blaming families of origin and others who wounded us early on abounds, but I am not talking about any moral or ethical or even theological motivational issues here. All parents do the best they possibly can with us and for us, given who they are and what resources they have and what experiences they are going through themselves. Ditto all the other hurtful folk in our younger years. Simply recognizing and acknowledging the results of our early experiences within our families, neighborhoods and schools liberates us to experience all those old pains as the bonfire, and see clearly the tiny match flames in our present.

THE ROLES WE LIVE

“Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. And some have greatness thrust upon them.”

The above quote about greatness applies equally well to those roles which are “thrust upon” us during childhood—toddlerhood—infancy—and even as early as the womb.
Yeah, families do that—thrust roles upon family members! Nothing personal. And it is likely that nothing is done on purpose. Yet family dynamics—that interchange of energies and personalities and feelings and values and beliefs, both conscious and especially unconscious—create and establish roles for each of us that we adhere to not only during our sojourn within our families of origin, we carry them in to our adult lives.

Perhaps you will recognize some of the following roles from your own family of origin; perhaps one or more might even have been thrust upon you:

1) The Star
Also known as the cheerleader, athletic hero, excellent student, popularity plus, volunteer extraordinaire—

2) The Mini-Parent
Mediates disagreements amongst all family members, makes sure schedules, obligations, appointments and daily living requirements are met--

3) The Bad Boy / Bad Girl
Just cannot get it together, seems to fail at everything and act out in anger

4) The Child Who Is Easily Ignored
Possibly this child hides out on purpose in order to avoid family dynamics, or, sadly, because of low self-worth, actually loses him / herself in profound isolation

Some roles become ours through sobriquets which family members insist are “terms of endearment”, such as, clumsy, princess, dumbo—referring to either or both ears or intellect—pipsqueak / runt / geek / loser / shorty / fats / handsome / gorgeous and so on. Such nicknames and their accompanying roles can be positive, as well as negative, and such positive labels sometimes lead to an inflated sense of ego and self-importance.

The point is, all “endearing terms” impact one’s self- belief, self-worth, and the attitudes and behaviors which follow. In other words, they impact how individuals see themselves as successes, failures, or mediocrities.

Please note well, that these roles that we have carried with us from our childhoods, lack reality. We have internalized them, but we have not owned them. Children internalize. Adults own.

Roles are thrust upon us, in other ways, as well, by circumstances in families.

Some examples follow:

Families in which one or more—I am referring to step-parents as well as biological parents—parent is alcoholic or addicted to party drugs or prescriptive medications

Families in which a parent—especially a mother—is depressed

Families in which a sibling has died or is chronically ill—either physically or mentally—or chronically acts out or is a prodigy

Families in which a parent dies

Families in which a divorce happens

Families in which hardship—economic, environmental, numerous internal losses is chronic

Every family bestows roles upon its members. The process does not follow a game plan of each and every parent giving a particular role to each child. Siblings thrust roles upon one another, and children create roles for their parents on a continuum from demon to saint! When extended family members are closely involved, and the family, as is most common these days, is a blended family, the complexities of roles within family life can resemble a—well, a—drama.
As successful as we are in our careers, as parents, as spouses and partners, even on the golf course or at the gym, we may still hear an inner voice calling us clumsy or dumb.
Fortunately, we create new “families” throughout our lives—friends, work colleagues, neighbors and the families of our spouses and partners to interact with. And from them, we can learn new, healthier, and more realistic ways in which to experience ourselves. We can shed the old roles and evolve into new ones.