commmunication for couples

COMMUNICATION FOR COUPLES

I have been working with couples on communicating with each other for about 30 years now. I have also taught communication skills at various venues from Torrance Adult School to Antioch University. Communication was also a frequent topic for my weekly column in the Daily Breeze.
Following are some simple, but by no means easy ideas to empower each of you to enrich your relationship:
THE DON’TS
FIRST: Please lose the words never, always and why from your vocabulary when you are endeavoring to talk to your partner / beloved.
Each of these words, when attached to the pronoun “you”—surrogate for your p / b—becomes accusatory and attacking, as in “You never…”, “You always…”, “Why did you—Why don’t you?”
And as soon as your p / b feels threatened, he / she becomes immediately defensive and ready to go on the offensive and escalation becomes the order of the day. Communication dissolves.
SECOND: Forgive me for using the word never in a completely different context, ie counselor to client. Please, NEVER threaten divorce, or that you are leaving permanently, or that you are “kicking the other person out.”
Every human being has abandonment issues. When you threaten your p / b with such a final ending as divorce, or demanding he or she leave, you guarantee that your p / b’s loss / abandonment issues will kick in and escalation becomes paramount. What sadly, yet most frequently, happens, is one of you endeavoring to leave, and your best other is standing in the doorway blocking all egress. Super escalation!
THIRD: Forgive me for saying always, yet please, the instant YOU realize you and your p / b are escalating, ALWAYS cease and desist, pull back, and say something like, “I love you, but we are escalating / we are not accomplishing / we are just hurting…and cetera—and I am ‘going in the other room’, or ‘outside and around the block’ or ‘out to a film’, and I will be back in ‘5 minutes’, ‘2hours’”—and / or whatever is appropriate to a SEPARATING AND COOLING OFF time.
I know, telling your p / b you love him / her during your escalating wounding of each other might seem a Herculean task. So please express the most positive and respectful words you can, so you both know you are separating only temporarily, and only in order to avoid inflicting further pain on each other.
COUNSELOR COMMENT ON SECOND AND THIRD DON’TS: Please note well the profound difference between a respectful and caring leavetaking and a threatening leavetaking.
FOURTH: When the two of you reunite—whether after 5 minutes or 24 hours—your emotional wounds are still raw and your brain chemistry is still likely awry. Please do not even think of taking up where you left off in order to resolve your concerns. It won’t happen. And after yet another round of hurtful escalation, you end with more unresolved issues.
Instead, please read on.
THE DO’S
FIRST: Please agree with each other to “take a meeting” the day after your conflict, in order that your brain chemistries and rawest heart wounds have had an opportunity to settle down. Otherwise, endeavoring to resolve conflicts are more likely to re-open hurts and misunderstandings and once again, escalation. It is fine to set up the meeting when you are still hurting.
SECOND: Initially, setting a 5-minute time limit to your first meeting is essential. If communications go awry, you have a gracious means to ending same and re-scheduling. When your endeavors succeed, you can agree to continue as long as you are meeting each other’s needs.
THIRD: Please set aside a “sacred” time and space for your meeting. This sets a tone or mood of respect for yourselves and what you hope your meeting will accomplish. Establish eye contact, and I suggest you hold hands.
FOURTH: The person calling the meeting begins by asking your p / b if he / she is ready for you to share. This is again, setting an ambience of caring and respect. State your concern by sharing your genuine feelings with your partner about a recent and specific event, which obviates “dredging up old stuff from the past”, which sabotages your meeting and leaves more hurt feelings unresolved.
Share your genuine feelings of hurt or fear or whatever, about what you experienced from your b / p’s words or actions. Please do not slide in to any blaming. Then ask your partner to repeat back the jist of your statement. This is important because it focuses you both on listening skills, which are at least 50% of communicating.
FIFTH: When your partner has repeated back what you shared, please ask him / her if he / she wishes to respond. This response also needs to be the stuff of genuine feelings, with no excuses and no blame. Frequently, it comprises an apology.
SIXTH: If you feel your meeting has been successful, you may want to repeat the process, with either partner beginning. Or, you may wish to celebrate your success and schedule another meeting soon!

COMMUNICATION FOR COUPLES

I have been working with couples on communicating with each other for about 30 years now. I have also taught communication skills at various venues from Torrance Adult School to Antioch University. Communication was also a frequent topic for my weekly column in the Daily Breeze.
Following are some simple, but by no means easy ideas to empower each of you to enrich your relationship:
THE DON’TS
FIRST: Please lose the words never, always and why from your vocabulary when you are endeavoring to talk to your partner / beloved.
Each of these words, when attached to the pronoun “you”—surrogate for your p / b—becomes accusatory and attacking, as in “You never…”, “You always…”, “Why did you—Why don’t you?”
And as soon as your p / b feels threatened, he / she becomes immediately defensive and ready to go on the offensive and escalation becomes the order of the day. Communication dissolves.
SECOND: Forgive me for using the word never in a completely different context, ie counselor to client. Please, NEVER threaten divorce, or that you are leaving permanently, or that you are “kicking the other person out.”
Every human being has abandonment issues. When you threaten your p / b with such a final ending as divorce, or demanding he or she leave, you guarantee that your p / b’s loss / abandonment issues will kick in and escalation becomes paramount. What sadly, yet most frequently, happens, is one of you endeavoring to leave, and your best other is standing in the doorway blocking all egress. Super escalation!
THIRD: Forgive me for saying always, yet please, the instant YOU realize you and your p / b are escalating, ALWAYS cease and desist, pull back, and say something like, “I love you, but we are escalating / we are not accomplishing / we are just hurting…and cetera—and I am ‘going in the other room’, or ‘outside and around the block’ or ‘out to a film’, and I will be back in ‘5 minutes’, ‘2hours’”—and / or whatever is appropriate to a SEPARATING AND COOLING OFF time.
I know, telling your p / b you love him / her during your escalating wounding of each other might seem a Herculean task. So please express the most positive and respectful words you can, so you both know you are separating only temporarily, and only in order to avoid inflicting further pain on each other.
COUNSELOR COMMENT ON SECOND AND THIRD DON’TS: Please note well the profound difference between a respectful and caring leavetaking and a threatening leavetaking.
FOURTH: When the two of you reunite—whether after 5 minutes or 24 hours—your emotional wounds are still raw and your brain chemistry is still likely awry. Please do not even think of taking up where you left off in order to resolve your concerns. It won’t happen. And after yet another round of hurtful escalation, you end with more unresolved issues.
Instead, please read on.
THE DO’S
FIRST: Please agree with each other to “take a meeting” the day after your conflict, in order that your brain chemistries and rawest heart wounds have had an opportunity to settle down. Otherwise, endeavoring to resolve conflicts are more likely to re-open hurts and misunderstandings and once again, escalation. It is fine to set up the meeting when you are still hurting.
SECOND: Initially, setting a 5-minute time limit to your first meeting is essential. If communications go awry, you have a gracious means to ending same and re-scheduling. When your endeavors succeed, you can agree to continue as long as you are meeting each other’s needs.
THIRD: Please set aside a “sacred” time and space for your meeting. This sets a tone or mood of respect for yourselves and what you hope your meeting will accomplish. Establish eye contact, and I suggest you hold hands.
FOURTH: The person calling the meeting begins by asking your p / b if he / she is ready for you to share. This is again, setting an ambience of caring and respect. State your concern by sharing your genuine feelings with your partner about a recent and specific event, which obviates “dredging up old stuff from the past”, which sabotages your meeting and leaves more hurt feelings unresolved.
Share your genuine feelings of hurt or fear or whatever, about what you experienced from your b / p’s words or actions. Please do not slide in to any blaming. Then ask your partner to repeat back the jist of your statement. This is important because it focuses you both on listening skills, which are at least 50% of communicating.
FIFTH: When your partner has repeated back what you shared, please ask him / her if he / she wishes to respond. This response also needs to be the stuff of genuine feelings, with no excuses and no blame. Frequently, it comprises an apology.
SIXTH: If you feel your meeting has been successful, you may want to repeat the process, with either partner beginning. Or, you may wish to celebrate your success and schedule another meeting soon!