WHAT LOVE IS / WHAT LOVE IS NOT

WHAT LOVE IS / WHAT LOVE IS NOT

I was recently asked to submit an article to a magazine on the topic of this blog’s title, and I am now re-writing the piece for said blog.
Just think for a moment, about all the different kinds of love each of us is involved in. Between parent and child, filial, among siblings and friends, fraternal, towards god(s) / goddess(s), and towards humanity, agape, and yes, love between two people, considered romantic love, and called eros.
Erotic love, then. Awesome. And how does that intense, powerful, overwhelming “love” transfer into marriage, children, a lifetime partnership and…?
I was asked to write about romantic love for the magazine, and I shall repeat that theme here, with variations.
Example: St Paul in I Corinthians of the Christian Bible, says that “love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud;…love does not keep a record of wrongs…” In reality, Paul is talking about God’s love toward humans, and our love towards all other humans, agape. Yet I am not alone in believing his thoughts also apply aptly to love between two people.
Working with couples for twenty-five years in my private practice, I would say that negative variations on Paul’s words comprise a pretty fair compendium of couples’ issues which they bring to therapy. And, while I do not actually work with couples towards Paul’s specific words, I happily acknowledge that the basic goals expressed in Paul are ideals my clients strive for.
Example: Kahlil Gibran shares a definite and repeated message about marriage / romantic love in The Prophet , that two who love each other deeply and dearly do well to maintain a distance between them.
A few quotes from Kahlil follow: “…let the winds of the heavens dance between you…drink not from the same cup…eat not from the same loaf…stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart…”
What a lovely metaphor! Can you visualize a temple roof tipping and sliding off two pillars joined two closely together? Nor can a couple hold up their myriad commitments if they are “joined at the hip”. the temple over two pillars joined together, all tips and slides into uselessness and chaos.
Then, again for the magazine piece, I asked several friends—who are also couples—to tell me what they think love is and what love is not.
Example: love is a smile from your heart, a gift; love is not a reward; love is sharing space; love is not intrusive; love is a connection with constant flowing energy; love is not hasty, rude, selfish, egocentric nor hard to attain; love is living your life for someone and enjoying every minute; love is neither guarantee nor destination; love is seeing that sparkle in your beloved’s eyes when he / she sees you; love is not disappointing your beloved; love is recognizing your partner’s world of experience; love is not a goal.
Thank you friends, for your thoughtful sharing.
I have a few thoughts on love myself. I believe that love is a choice. I believe that love is a partnership. I believe that love is based on respect.
Choice. Yes, we all want that feeling of bliss, euphoria, chemistry, perhaps a tad of “out-of-my-mindness” that falling in love / lust showers upon us.
I believe that this lovely feeling is the opposite of choice—which means sticking it out no matter what—ill children keeping us up through the night, job loss, financial reverses, each of us stepping up to the plate not only to weather the tough times, but to stand together to make the future as “better-est” as we are able.
I also believe that when we choose to love we choose to become a partner. Creating and accomplishing goals together, setting decisions forth jointly, agreeing to disagree when necessary—think about how much harder to blame or point fingers at each other when you have been working together as partners all along.
I believe that mutual respect is a necessity in a loving relationship, the ballast, the gravitas, the roots that let love soar.