MALE DEPRESSION

Overwhelming sadness, debilitating guilt, and shame-filled isolation all shout depression—for females.
Depression in males, both adolescent and adult, manifests with a dramatic difference—reckless and super-fast driving without seatbelts, heavy drinking, promiscuity, eating disorders, not going to doctors for physical concerns, refusing medical treatment, broken relationships, job loss, domestic violence and suicide!
For even younger, grade-school-age males, eating disorders, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, school failure, wounded friendships, family disruptions and yes, suicide, are symptomatic of depressed male children.
Every year some 24,000 males end their untreated depression by taking their own lives. Others engage in dangerous, angry and self-rejecting behaviors that can also end in death.
Males are only half as likely as females—again, all ages— even to be diagnosed with depression, let alone be treated for it.
Sadness, guilt and isolation are not acceptable ways for males to express inner anguish. Yet, rage, bullying, and workaholism are.
Men who have been interviewed after diagnosis and treatment of their depression, share how unacceptable sadness was to them. “It felt as if I were lazy, and not carrying my own weight,” reports Sam. “So I worked harder and played harder. Looking back, I can see I was over-compensating, but at the time, I actually felt as if I weren’t man enough when I was sad. And not being man enough was completely unacceptable.”
Robert tells of suffering horrific skin rashes and burning stomach pain for years. When he finally sought medical help, he was fortunate to find a doctor who talked to him about stress in his life and then about his responsive anxiety and depression.
“I felt so threatened, so invaded by that dude,” Robert shares more recently in his support group. “I was so ready to walk out of his office. And then I just felt like I was so tired of feeling so rotten. So, here I am.”
Male depression manifests in all social, racial, economic and age groups.
Recent research at Johns Hopkins Children’s Center states that one half of young boys believe that going to a doctor is a sign of weakness.
In the same study, adolescent males reported their belief that “men” must always be ready to have sex in order to get respect from other “men”.
Successful male executives in successful enterprises, as well as male sports heroes and male celebrities follow the typical mode of aggressive and frenetic and self-destructive behaviors described above, only magnified, because they have more money to spend and more to lose.
Black, Hispanic, Asian and Pacific Islander groups have strong traditions of keeping anything shameful, for example, a depressed male family member, within the family, rather than seeking medical or counseling help.
Older males in our society, who have identified for years with their work, face depression and loss with both retirement and losing friends and family members to death.
I seem to remember that back in the day—the seventies—myriad young men chose to set aside focus on career in order to play a larger role in their families. Their role models? Their own fathers, who had been largely absent during their own growing up years. Those young men chose to give their children a different experience.
That was the same decade we encouraged our daughters to play with trucks and be on soccer teams and be the doctor rather than the nurse, and encouraged our sons to play with dolls, bake cookies, cry when they were hurt or scared and still play soccer!
Yet for the most part, our culture supports male children suppressing emotions and learning to be strong and responsible and overcome problems without help, denying their fears and hurts along the way, allowing only anger and aggression as appropriate expressions of feeling.
While medication and therapy alleviate depression for the men and boys who get diagnosed and treated, far too many still suffer alone.

Diana Brennan is a licensed Marriage Family Therapist in private practice in Redondo Beach since 1984. Please check out Diana’s web page.

Taking Charge of Your Anger

The main thing to remember about ANGER !: anger is a “cover-up”emotion!
Face it. Anger, with all its adrenaline-pumping, cave-woman uber-energy, feels good!
And all the feelings anger covers up, such as fear, rejection, and sadness, feel yucky!
Every single one of us is born with defense protections—repression, denial, sublimation, to name a few—for an excellent purpose. Survival.
Infants, toddlers, children, and even, yes, adolescents, need those built-in defenses, because we have not yet learned how to protect ourselves from all the people and events and occasions which wait in readiness to wound us.
In reality, every family is a wounding environment. Parents say, “No!”, or sound and act preoccupied, or tease. Siblings actually torment, on occasion. Neighborhood children can also excel at torment and bullying. Teachers display impatience, and classmates tease, torment and bully whenever they sense vulnerability.
Anger steps up to the plate when we feel hurt or frightened. Because the process begins so early, by adulthood, we are completely unaware of how quickly we whip out that protective anger, and neglect to feel the genuine feelings of abandonment, fear of loss, grief, or whatever “yucky” feeling we authentically need to feel in order to transform in to the best person we want to be!
The challenge: learn to remember that anger covers up the feelings you need to feel in order to grow, and feel them. This means setting aside your anger, which is so difficult. The process will take time and hard work, so be gentle with yourself, and be rewarded as you take charge of your anger.